I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Panties = found
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