I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
