just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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