I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
