It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
This is the high leading the old right now
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
