never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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