just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
