Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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