yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
