UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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