I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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