My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
