I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
