Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
The beer is more important than you right now.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
