Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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