I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
