before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
