you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Please don't give away my fajitas
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
