oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
