Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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