Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
