Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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