no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
