Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
