This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
