Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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