chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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