He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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