Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
