i love accidental penises.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
