Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Just puked most of my soul out..
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
