I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
i want to swaddle you in tequila
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
