I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
