I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
