I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I need moral support for this bender
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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