You just made me feel so damn special
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
