I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
then he tried to convert me to islam
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
