1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
