my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
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