What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
