Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
