we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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