Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
