Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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