I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
