We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
