I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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