I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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