listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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