I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
