I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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